Involuntary Social Isolation

Something’s changed in me and I don’t know why or how to change it back.

Since returning from my study abroad program in January, I just have no energy to put into hanging out with friends. Socializing has become extremely emotionally and mentally draining. It takes me hours to decide how to respond when someone asks me to hangout because deep down I want to refuse and stay home but I do care about my friends and the refusing just brings about guilt and anxiety about the future of said friendships.

When I do agree to hangout, I over complicate the plans for some reason and

then I just feel stupid afterwards. When I make it out, I just find myself counting down the minutes until I can go home. No, it’s not because I dislike my friends, I love and cherish the friends that I have- it’s just...well I don’t know, and that’s the problem.

I’m 21. I should be full of energy. I should be going out several times a week. I should have fun being around my peers. I used to. Last year, I was constantly seeing my friends, constantly going out, always full of energy despite working two jobs and going to school full-time. Now, with the coronavirus, I’m not working, barely doing school, and I still can’t find the energy to even socialize via text.

I’ve been self-quarantining for two weeks which makes me fearful because at the end of this pandemic I could be yearning to go out and explore with my friends but a part of me just sees myself becoming more reclusive.

I fear being alone. I fear losing the people I care about because I can’t live up to their expectations. I fear and the fear is created by my own actions but no choice feels like a win. No choice makes me feel happy. The fear leads to anxiety, and the anxiety makes me pull in even more.

I don’t know if this is just a normal part of growing up, of adulthood, but it sucks.